Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Some things never change...

So, I had lofty goals for 2011.  One of them was to get my weight down.  After two years and ten pounds, I really want to drop this and get back to what I weighed for the previous 15 years.  I have been working out like crazy, 6 days a week mostly.  Making sure to get 100+ grams of protein a day, counting every calorie, keeping track of all of my nutrients.  For at least a month.  Yes, I cheat on the weekends, go out to about two dinners a week and also probably drink too much wine on those nights.  For three weeks I was solid, perfect.  Did the scale change?  Nope, not at all.  Did my measurements change?  Nope.  Not one little bit.  So, I decided to eat whatever I wanted and have wine with dinner more than twice a week.  Did the scale change?  Nope.  Did my measurement change?  Nope.  Excuse me for my language, but WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?  I obsess, nothing.  I do what I want.  Nothing!  Have I mentioned that I am beyond frustrated?  I just want this god damn ten lbs to go away.  I want my suits to fit me.  I realize it isn't 50lbs and I realize that I am "healthy" but for me, 10lbs is a lot.  It means I can't wear half of my clothes.  It means I feel chubby.  And it means my face looks fat.  Maybe I need to stop being so hard on myself.  Maybe I should just be happy where I am.  But really, I don't think that is reasonable.  B/c if I accept this, then I will accept another ten pounds, then another, then another.  Does anyone have ANY ideas?  I am about to just start not eating!

Anyway, sorry for the rant.  This morning I cried after I got on the scale at my gym.  I cried at home after my boyfriend told me to not yell about how it makes me upset.  Then the dog came and tried to sit in my lap (he is a 70lb yellow lab) b/c he knew how upset I was.  Funny how animals know.

In good news, I am meeting my savings goals and there will be one other REALLY big change in 2011/2012.  I am starting to put it together now..... let's just say I finally have an idea of what I want to do career wise!




Paula said...

Throw away the scale! I had to do that to help ease those weeks where there was no results. I cheat weekends and the wine with dinner is what kills my diet. You'll get there though! :) It's still the new year :)

Carolyn said...

First, congrats on the career thing. Can't wait to hear more about it!

As for the weight, there is one thing I had to accept that has been very hard, and that's the fact that I'm a certain age now, and my body won't probably ever go back to what it was before. That doesn't mean you should give up, but accept that, and then continue just to strive to be fit and healthy. It sounds like you're doing a lot but not a lot is changing - that's something that a nutritionist or trainer might be able to help you with. Once I realized that after a certain age there was no turning back, I became a lot more... well, accepting of my body. But that doesn't mean that I want to lose weight and get fit.